TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from area. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let us have A further put exactly where American Guys can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide Anyone a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he ought to stop making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the challenge, replied, "You already know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from space, a function getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it Trump Tower Damascus spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not simply unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have switch-down services."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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